I was
thinking about friendship today. I know Bonnie has addressed this issue
regarding TTWD and friendships as well. I am so blest to have a great many
friends, in real life as well as throughout this community. In some ways our
anonymity here allows us to be more supportive and more honest in our
friendships. At times I feel liberated to be all of myself with the vagaries my
impulsivity is not allowed in RL. There are certain expectations that can tamp
down on our natural enthusiasm for life. In this blogland we can explore and
redefine what may seem contrary to the politically correct beliefs surrounding
us.
Sooooo…. I
decided to do a little reading and explore. I found this article, and thought
that much of what it says…speaks to the common interest, need and desire (whether
in thought or practice) that has brought many of us together.
A little
aside….When they talk about baser interests…lol… they cannot mean TTWD/DD-----
that is not base. It is a base need!
At the end
of this piece he asks how many friends do you have that are kenzoku, do you
have a few? I am so lucky and fortunate
to have a many.
So here goes......LOVE this Article
What Makes A
True Friend
Why it takes
courage to be a good friend
Published on
February 4, 2010 by Alex Lickerman, M.D. in Happiness in this World
The Japanese
have a term, kenzoku, which translated literally means "family." The
connotation suggests a bond between people who've made a similar commitment and
who possibly therefore share a similar destiny. It implies the presence of the
deepest connection of friendship, of lives lived as comrades from the distant
past.
Many of us
have people in our lives with whom we feel the bond described by the word
kenzoku. They may be family members, a mother, a brother, a daughter, a cousin.
Or a friend from grammar school with whom we haven't talked in decades. Time
and distance do nothing to diminish the bond we have with these kinds of
friends.
The question
then arises: why do we have the kind of chemistry encapsulated by the word
kenzoku with only a few people we know and not scores of others? The closer we
look for the answer the more elusive it becomes. It may not in fact be possible
to know, but the characteristics that define a kenzoku relationship most
certainly are.
WHAT DRAWS
PEOPLE TOGETHER AS FRIENDS?
Common interests. This probably ties us closer to our friends
than many would like to admit. When our interests diverge and we can find
nothing to enjoy jointly, time spent together tends to rapidly diminish. Not
that we can't still care deeply about friends with whom we no longer share
common interests, but it's probably uncommon for such friends to interact on a
regular basis.
History.
Nothing ties people together, even people with little in common, than
having gone through the same difficult experience. As the sole glue to keep
friendships whole in the long run, however, it often dries, cracks, and
ultimately fails.
Common values. Though not necessarily
enough to create a friendship, if values are too divergent, it's difficult for
a friendship to thrive.
Equality. If one friend needs the support
of the other on a consistent basis such that the person depended upon receives no
benefit other than the opportunity to support and encourage, while the
relationship may be significant and valuable, it can't be said to define a true
friendship.
WHAT MAKES A
FRIEND WORTHY OF THE NAME?
A commitment to your happiness. A true
friend is consistently willing to put your happiness before your friendship.
It's said that "good advice grates on the ear," but a true friend
won't refrain from telling you something you don't want to hear, something that
may even risk fracturing the friendship, if hearing it lies in your best
interest. A true friend will not lack the mercy to correct you when you're
wrong. A true friend will confront you with your drinking problem as quickly as
inform you about a malignant-looking skin lesion on your back that you can't
see yourself.
Not asking you to place the friendship
before your principles. A true friend won't ask you to compromise your
principles in the name of your friendship or anything else. Ever.
A good influence. A true friend inspires
you to live up to your best potential, not to indulge your basest drives.
Of course,
we may have friends who fit all these criteria and still don't quite feel
kenzoku. There still seems to be an extra factor, an attraction similar to that
which draws people together romantically, that cements friends together
irrevocably, often immediately, for no reason either person can identify. But
when you find these people, these kenzoku, they're like priceless gems. They're
like finding home.
HOW TO
ATTRACT TRUE FRIENDS
This one is
easy, at least on paper: become a true friend yourself. One of my favorite
quotations comes from Gandhi: "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
Be the friend you want to have. We all tend to attract people into our lives
whose character mirrors our own. You don't have to make yourself into what you
think others would find attractive. No matter what your areas of interest,
others share them somewhere. Simply make yourself a big target. Join social
clubs organized around activities you enjoy. Leverage the Internet to find
people of like mind. Take action.
As I thought
about it, there are four people in my life I consider kenzoku. How many do you?
If you
enjoyed this post, please feel free to explore Dr. Lickerman's home page,
Happiness in this World.
I want to say thank you to those of you here
I count as my Kenzoku. You all know who you
are since I speak with you regularly -or not- in email and some on the phone. I laugh with you, cry with you and... hopefully enjoy life with you.
And....Here is to making many more Kenzoku.
Thanks for coming round,
Minelle